


Yellow Pages

by EnthusiasticFish



Category: NCIS
Genre: Angst and Tragedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-22
Updated: 2021-01-22
Packaged: 2021-03-13 15:55:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,768
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28905981
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EnthusiasticFish/pseuds/EnthusiasticFish
Summary: This grew out of a boast I made that I could make an angsty story out of anything, even Tim reading the phone book. So, to prove my point, I wrote this twoshot. It's pretty much angsty from start to finish with a slight uplift at the end. We weren't allowed to have any of the main NCIS characters die the challenge I wrote this for...so no worries on that score, but I definitely do a lot to my favorite character.
Comments: 8
Kudos: 12





	1. Grief

**Yellow Pages**  
by Enthusiastic Fish

**Chapter 1: Grief**

Why was it that he was holding the telephone directory? Tim couldn't really remember. There had probably been a reason at one point. It wasn't as though he was the kind of person who would randomly start reading the yellow pages, just for fun. Not even he, no matter what Tony might say, was that desperate...particularly not in the last few months. They had been the best months of his life. Each day had been a blessing, something to cherish for years and years to come...only not anymore. Now, each memory was a knife jabbing into his heart...over and over.

The chaos had long since moved beyond the room where he sat in shock. He had heard other screams, other wails. His room was silent. There was nothing for him to do...nothing except wait. He supposed he could call someone. After all...he was holding the phone book. He opened it...but he didn't look up any numbers. The people he could call were people whose numbers he already knew, whose numbers he _had_ known for years. No, he didn't really need to call anyone right now. Maybe later.

She had always said that she wouldn't care if he was reading the phone book to her...she'd always love to hear his voice. She said it was sexy. He hadn't ever told Tony that, but he had treasured that statement. She had realized that and so...she had told him over and over...

...so now...he was reading her the phone book, the tears clouding his vision, the ink blurring as each one escaped and plopped onto an advertisement for Dr. Chang, an optometrist, an Oldsmobile dealer...Pizza Hut. He didn't go in order. He just flipped randomly and started reading until there were so many tears that he had to go to another page.

There was blood on the outside of it as well, soaking through a few of the pages, but that didn't matter so much. There were lots of other pages to choose from. Maybe...the Gs. ...or the Is.

"American Hypnosis Training Academy. That's in Silver Spring." Plop. "I never knew about that." Plop. "Institute for Ethical and Clinical Hypnosis. On M Street. Mr. Vinyl." Plop. "Multiple Pathways. Potentials Unlimited Hypnosis." Tears poured faster and faster. Too many to read the words anymore. Tim flipped through and then fumbled the large book in his hands. It slid to the floor, leaving a smear of blood on his bare legs.

Tim's hands were shaking as he picked it up. He tried not to look around, but the blood-soaked comforter burned into his brain...and beyond that...

He firmly turned away and opened the book again. This time, he moved to the Ts.

"Travel and Tourism." Those words alone were almost enough to overwhelm his already-tenuous grip on his sanity, but he forced himself to read. "Triple A Travel Services. They have seven branches just in DC and the areas around it." Plop. Plop. "Academic Travel Abroad. Two branches, both in DC." Plop. "Ah Travel." He laughed and a flood of tears ran down and smudged the ink on the page. "Only one of those...probably for good reason. We should have used them...just..." Plop. "...just so that we could say the name." Plop. Plop. Plop. "Blue Line Travel, Incorporated." Too many tears. Convulsively, his hand reached out and caressed the bloody leg on the bed. His own bare chest was covered in blood.

He turned the page again...this time to the Rs. "Restaurants." Another flood of tears and for a few minutes, he couldn't even get enough breath to read aloud...he couldn't even see the page as he tried to read. "I've read this to you before." Tim leaned over and kissed the leg...as he had done so recently, so lovingly before...before...

"Bilbo Baggins Restaurant. I wish I'd seen this before. _Lord of the Rings_. I would have gone just to say I had. It's in Alexandria." Plop. Plop. Plop. Plop. "Bistro Francais. Bistro Italiano. Bistro Lepic. Bistro comma The. Not very creative, are they?" Plop. Plop. "Bistro Du Coin." The ink ran. He flipped forward a few pages to get past the ruined page. "Frankenstein Café. They really do have everything in here." Plop. "Fresco, The Italian Gourmet at Watergate. Watergate, huh? I bet _that's_ really popular." Plop. Plop. Plop. Another ruined page.

There were voices in the hallway now. If it was the man returning, Tim wouldn't hide. He didn't care now. The screams and wails and cries resumed...except in his room. Tim didn't moan and wail. He just read the phone book. This time he flipped to near the end of the book. "Yarn Retail. You should have done some knitting." Plop. Plop. Plop. Plop. "Inez's Stitchery. It's in Kensington. The Yarn Barn, Incorporated. That's in Burke." Plop. Plop.

" _Hey, here's another open door! Anyone alive in there?"_

Tim paid the voice no heed. "Yoga. I remember you said you wanted to get into that. I said that if you did, I'd do it, too." Another flood. "Dahn Yoga and...and...Healing." The book trembled in his hands and he looked...beyond the bare leg to the bloodstained negligee she had put on just to make him blush. She had said that was sexy, too. It didn't make him blush now.

" _I thought I heard a voice."_

"Washington DC Dahn Center. Guess where that is." Plop. Plop. "Willow Street Yoga Center. That's even in Silver Spring." Plop. Plop. Plop. "Maybe you could..."

" _Hello?"_

Tim couldn't finish the sentence. He knew she'd never get a chance to take up yoga. "Oh, Kara...wake up, please. Wake up."

"Sir?" The voice couldn't continue. In fact, someone ran out, probably to be sick. Tim looked at Kara. He had known she was dead from the first moment he'd come running out of the bathroom. He hadn't even seen the bullets flying, but you didn't have that many bullet holes and get out of it alive. If only he hadn't been in the bathroom. If only...

"Sir...are you...are you hurt?"

Hurt? It was laughable that he would ask that question. He wasn't hurt. His entire soul was ripped in pieces. Perfect happiness to exquisite despair in a split second.

Another voice, kindly, old. "What's your name, son?"

Tim looked up into a pair of kind eyes. They were brown. He remembered that for a long time afterward. He wasn't sure why, but he remembered the color of the old man's eyes. He remembered that...even though he didn't remember what the man had looked like...beyond being old.

"Your name?" he asked again.

"T-Timothy...McGee," Tim managed to say.

"Will you come with me?"

"No!" Tim backed away and put his arms around Kara. Her limp, lifeless arms flopped as he pulled her close, feeling the blood, still oozing from her body as it smeared against his chest, covering the drying blood from the first time he had held her. "No, I won't leave her."

The old man didn't push. There were other voices, but Tim didn't listen to them. He picked up the phone book again with one hand and pulled it toward him. "Architects and Builders Service. Acanthus Architects...that's on Quebec Street." The tears no longer plopped. There were too many and Tim's head was no longer bent over the words. Instead, the tears flowed steadily down his cheeks as he held Kara close and read to her. "Adamstein and Demetriou Architects." He flipped a page or two. "Here's one in Silver Spring. Esten Harold Lionel. I wonder if he's any good."

"Son? Timothy? Do you have someone we can call for you?"

Tim stopped reading, but he didn't look at the brown eyes again.

"A friend? Family member? Boss?"

"Boss? Yes, I have a boss. I call him that," Tim said. "Kara always thought it was funny...like we were a part of the mafia or something."

"Is that her name?"

"Kara," Tim repeated and smiled. He kissed her forehead gently. "She's beautiful, isn't she?"

"Yes, she is. What's the name of your boss?"

"Leroy Jethro Gibbs...but no one calls him Leroy."

"Where do you work?" he asked patiently. Later, Tim would marvel at the patience of this man, dealing with someone so lost in grief.

"NCIS. That stands for..."

"Naval Criminal Investigative Service. I know. I was Navy man myself once...a long time ago."

Tim didn't really listen. He looked at the yellow pages again, but his eyes were too blurred with tears to read the tiny printed words anymore. He didn't notice when the old man left, when he came back in a few minutes later, when he tried to speak. All he noticed was the woman in his arms...because he couldn't read to her anymore.

" _Tim, your voice is so sexy I'd pay good money just to hear you read the phone book!"_

" _White pages or yellow pages?"_

" _Both, of course! But the yellow pages are more fun."_

"Tim?" That was a voice he knew...but it wasn't the one he wanted to hear. The one he wanted to hear was gone forever.

"Tim? Look at me, please."

Tim looked up. "Hey, Boss," he said softly, the tears never ceasing. "Kara's dead."

"I know."

"She was so excited to stay in the honeymoon suite."

"I know."

"I was so happy that I could afford to do that, that I could give her something she wanted."

Gibbs smiled, but his eyes were brighter than they should have been. "I think she already had everything she wanted. Didn't she say that yesterday?"

Unwillingly, Tim flashed back to the day before. Kara, radiant in her white gown. He had thought she looked like an angel. He almost couldn't remember the words he was supposed to say. In fact, if Tony and Jimmy hadn't been there to kick him in the shins, he probably would have stood there staring at her for hours. That's all he wanted. She had been all he wanted and needed...and she had been his...for less than a day.

"Tim, breathe!"

Tim inhaled through his tears.

"Now, breathe out."

Obediently, he exhaled.

"Now...let Kara go."

"No!"

Gibbs sat down on the edge of the bed. He looked Tim in the eye. "Tim, Kara is dead."

"I just went into the bathroom for a moment. She kicked me out of bed. She said that I had to get ready first because...because...the groom was the one who should be slaving for the bride."

"Sounds like her."

Tim caressed her cheek...her cold cheek.

"I heard the gun. Oh...I heard her...I heard her scream. But before I could get out...she was dead. I didn't even..." Tim couldn't go on for a minute. "I wanted to say I love you one more time, but she was already dead."

"She knew you loved her. For goodness sake, you said it a million times a day until Tony threatened to gag you."

"It wasn't enough...I thought I'd have a lifetime to say it."

"She knew, Tim."

"Oh, Kara," Tim whispered.

"We need to go, Tim. You need to let her go."

"I can't. I can't. My wife is dead."

Gibbs, ignoring all the blood, put his arms around Tim...and Kara. "You need to let her go. Kara's gone. You can't stay here anymore." He didn't pull Tim away. He just waited until Tim was ready.

Finally, Tim acquiesced and allowed Gibbs to lay Kara down on the bed. Then, Gibbs pulled Tim up and, wrapping a blanket around him, led him out of the honeymoon suite. Tim didn't say anything. He couldn't. Silent tears continued to course down his cheeks, but he didn't resist leaving the building. He didn't notice the cameras flashing in his face. He didn't notice when Gibbs put him in an ambulance. He didn't notice when the doctors tried to ask him questions. All he heard was Kara's voice, over and over again in his head.

" _Tim, your voice is so sexy I'd pay good money just to hear you read the phone book!"_

He kept seeing her body, lying on the beautiful bed, the place where they had slept together for one glorious night as husband and wife, just as he had wanted. The marriage bed had become a death bed. Kara, her beautiful brown hair spread out, tangled across her face, the rest of her body marred by bullets. His wife, downed by a maniac with an automatic. Twenty people had died that day. Twenty people in as many minutes. He had gone to that floor and begun shooting, moving from room to room, not caring who had died, wanting to cause as much damage as possible. The only reason it wasn't twenty-one was that Tim had gone into the bathroom thirty seconds before the man had reached their room.

Tim, unwittingly, became the poster boy for the massacre. Two seconds before Gibbs decked him, a man ducked under the police tape and snapped a photo of Tim, his eyes vacant, his body covered in blood. He sold it to one of the major newspapers. One of the few survivors from that floor. It was a tragedy worthy of Shakespeare: A man and his wife, married only hours before a psychotic gunman had opened fire on the hotel patrons early in the morning. The headline read "'Til death do we part."

Tim didn't know about any of that. He shut down...so thoroughly that _no_ one could reach him. He wasn't dangerous. He didn't try to hurt himself or others...but he didn't try to care for himself either. He simply stared...or read from the phone book he had taken with him. People visited and tried to talk to him, but it didn't help. Nothing helped. Tim didn't even cry at Kara's funeral. He just stared. Gibbs told him what to do and he did it, but he didn't seem to notice what was actually happening.

Gibbs became his main link because as the time passed with _nothing_ , people began to lose hope that he would ever come alive again. His doctors said it was possible, but it had to be Tim that did it. No one could force him. And that was hard to take...except for Gibbs who abandoned his most recent boat to sit beside Tim at the mental hospital. He sat. He listened to Tim read, his heart breaking for the wreck of the man in front of him. Tim walked, talked, even seemed to see every so often, but he wasn't really alive.

Gibbs was afraid he never _would_ live again. He himself had nearly ended it all when Kelly and Shannon had been killed...but he hadn't. He had found another way: revenge. Tim wasn't taking either route. He couldn't deal with the pain and so it didn't exist. _He_ didn't exist. Nothing existed in his world...except Kara...and that stupid phone book. Gibbs didn't know _why_ Tim found that so important, but he refused to stop. It wasn't as though he was reading it sequentially, but he was still...reading from the phone book. He even made comments every so often. Gibbs could tell that whatever Tim was doing made sense to him in a way that could not reach anyone else...except maybe Kara.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Tim and Kara had been perfect for each other. Everyone could see it from the first day. Tim had begun to change...not in the essentials, but he became richer, more developed, not on the outside, but inside. His stammer, which had largely disappeared already, vanished completely. Tony's teasing had to find some other outlet than Tim's love life. Tim wasn't hiding her, and he wasn't flaunting her. She was just there...another part of his life, a part he obviously cherished.

The irony was that they were nothing alike. Kara was brash, confident...at least on the surface. She was as computer illiterate as Gibbs. She was a sports writer. When Tim had told them about her, they had all laughed...all of them. The idea that Tim could attract and be _attracted by_ such a person was hilarious. Then, they met her...and they saw the same type of...soul in Kara that they saw in Tim...although none of them would admit to something so sappy as the concept of soulmates.

Nothing had been rushed. Nothing forced. The two of them had taken things slowly, figuring each other out, figuring out themselves. When Tim proposed, it wasn't a surprise to anyone, but he still went all out to do the deed. Kara had loved it...and of course, accepted. The wedding had been planned the same way. Carefully. They wanted things to work out. They didn't want to be tearing their hair out by the end and wishing they'd simply eloped.

The wedding had been as perfect as the rest of their courtship had been. When the two of them had left the reception hall, everyone had predicted that the they would be celebrating their golden anniversary in fifty years, still as much in love as they were right at that moment.

...but no. As Gibbs watched Tim turn to the Ls this time, he couldn't help but see him as he had been such a short time ago...happy, complete. He had finally achieved everything he wanted.

All that had been stolen in a second...by a man who had randomly chosen a hotel, randomly chosen a floor, randomly started kicking in doors and killing the people inside...before killing himself.

How many days had it been already? Gibbs wasn't sure. They seemed to blur together...at least here they did. The hospital was beautifully-designed, meant for healing...but how could Tim heal when he wasn't even acknowledging the existence of the wound?

x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Tim didn't notice the time go by. Minutes, hours, days, _weeks_ passed without his knowledge. Time didn't matter in the world in which he was residing. A world full of mindless words...until one day, for no reason at all, he opened his eyes and realized that he wasn't where he thought he was. He wasn't at his apartment. He wasn't even in the hotel room where Kara had died. He was...he wasn't sure _where_ he was, but he was holding a phone book in his hands.

Why was it that he was holding the telephone directory? Tim couldn't really remember. There had probably been a reason at one point. He turned it over and saw the blood...and he remembered. He remembered what he had and what he had lost...lost forever.

Tim looked out the window in front of him and saw the beautiful sights around him: trees, fountains, flowers...but the most beautiful sight was gone forever.

"She said that my voice was so sexy that I could read the phone book to her," he whispered.

"What was that, Tim?"

Tim looked up from the phone book. Gibbs was there. He _had_ been there...a lot, Tim remembered now.

"She said that my voice was so sexy I could read the phone book to her."

"Kara said that?"

"Yeah." Tim smiled at the memory, but then grimaced at the pain of remembered grief. It threatened to drag him down into insanity again, but Gibbs broke the spiral by chuckling softly.

"So that's why."

"Why what?"

"Why you've been reading the yellow pages."

"Have I?" Tim looked at the phone book again. "Where am I, Boss?"

"Hospital."

"Why?"

"Because you haven't done anything but read that stupid phone book for the last six months."

"Really?"

"Yes."

Tim's eyes were haunted at the memories he had. He wanted them to be nightmares, but he knew they weren't. "Kara's dead, isn't she?"

"Yes."

"She's not coming back."

"No."

Tim began to cry. He dropped the phone book, what comfort could that give him, huddled on the bed and sobbed. He didn't notice Gibbs move until he felt Gibbs pull him up and then hold him tightly as he cried and cried, the grief as fresh as if it had all happened just that day.

"It's okay, Tim. It's okay," Gibbs said, as if he were calming a fretful child. He rocked Tim gently.

"My wife is dead. Kara is dead," Tim wept. "Can't you bring her back? Can't she come back?"

"No, Tim. She can't. She's been buried for six months. She's gone."

"No, no, no, no..." Tim sobbed.

"Yes, Tim. It's okay."

"No, never. It will never be okay."

"It will...someday, if you want it to."

"It hurts...so much I can't breathe."

"You _can_. It hurts, but you can keep breathing; it gets easier."

Tim cried. He cried for half an hour before the tears gave out and he fell asleep. Gibbs stayed that night beside his bed, praying that the following day would see Tim still aware. He was. He was nearly paralyzed with the grief that had not come out before, but he was aware.

...and so began the long road to healing.


	2. Healing

**Chapter 2: Healing**

Tim didn't just up and leave the hospital after his awakening. That would have been foolish and unsafe...and even he knew it. People started coming again, though...but he found he couldn't bear to see them all. They were happy. He wasn't happy. He was in agony...every minute. A day he could get through without crying was a miracle.

A day he could breathe without feeling like every breath was a dagger in his heart was a miracle.

Although he recognized the passage of time, to him, it wasn't really six months later. It was a _day_ later. Kara had only just died. He was a widower the day after his wedding.

He hurt the others, those who cared about him, by rebuffing their attempts to help. He just couldn't bear it. The only one who was able to come and go was Gibbs. Tim wasn't even sure why at first. He just knew that Gibbs understood...and his pain was too great to think beyond that single fact.

Gibbs tried to make him see what he was doing, but Tim was only barely keeping his grip on his sanity and he couldn't stand to see others who didn't know and couldn't understand how he felt. He needed the assurance that he wasn't the only one who felt pain...who felt _agony_ like this.

...so everyone else stopped coming, and Gibbs continued.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Three weeks later, Tim asked if he could go home. The doctors were thrilled at his decision, but Gibbs was uncertain. Tim still looked ready to crack at any moment, his eyes darkening every time he remembered Kara...and that happened far too often. Gibbs tried to suggest that they take it slowly, but Tim wouldn't listen. He said that he couldn't stay in the hospital forever. He needed to get out again.

Then, Gibbs tried to suggest that someone stay with him that first night, Abby, Ziva, Tony...even Gibbs himself. Again, no. His doctors agreed with Gibbs that having someone around might be a good idea, but Tim was adamant that he could handle staying by himself. He would keep his cell phone close by, but he would stay by himself.

So he did. Gibbs dropped him off the next day. Tim walked into his apartment...and saw Kara, pictures of her, pieces of her. She had given up her apartment and moved into his. They hadn't planned on staying that way for long, but her lease was up and it seemed silly for her to extend it when she was only going to move out again in a few weeks anyway. Her family had obviously gone through a lot of it, he could tell, but the essence of Kara was still in the room. The air was full of her. Someone had kindly gone grocery shopping for him, but food didn't matter compared to the feeling in the apartment. Tim managed to hold it together until the night came and he went into the bedroom.

The bed was neatly made. Kara was meticulous about things like that. Tim went to the closet and opened it. It was crammed full of clothing...Kara's clothing. She loved clothes. She loved to shop...but she didn't need any of it anymore.

Tim closed the closet and returned to the bed. He fell forward with a wordless cry onto the dusty comforter, curled into a tight ball and began to sob, loud racking sobs for all he had lost. His hands, seemingly of their accord, reached out like claws and dragged the comforter, still full of Kara's presence, to his chest. He muffled his cries with it, holding it to his face as he tried to pull _something_ from it, something that could help him...save him...get rid of the awful agony.

He literally cried himself to sleep. ...and then, he dreamed of Kara. Kara, writing another sports article. Kara, out on the Mall on their first date. Kara. Kara. Kara. Tim woke...and he remembered that Kara was dead. He began to sob again...and again, he cried himself to sleep.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Gibbs found him like that, the next day. Tim hadn't answered his phone and Gibbs was worried. He drove over to Tim's apartment. The door was unlocked. He walked in and realized what the place was like. He had known that Kara's family had gone in and gathered up some personal things, things she had left them in her will, but he hadn't realized just _how_ much had been left behind. He walked quickly into the bedroom and saw Tim.

He was still asleep, his body heaving with lingering sobs. He had pulled the comforter around him like a nest. There was enough dust from six months that his face was grimy and tear-streaked. Gibbs sighed and sat down beside him.

"Tim, wake up."

Tim's eyes opened obediently. He looked up at Gibbs. "It still hurts. When will it stop?"

Gibbs would have given anything to know that himself. There was something missing in Tim's eyes. It had been gone from the moment Gibbs had seen him in the hotel. Sometimes, Tim seemed like nothing more than a child...like now. It was a sadly unanswerable question. The kind that so many children asked. It was the kind that parents wished they could answer...and they never could. No one could.

"I don't know, Tim."

More tears, but Tim sat up and looked at Gibbs...then, he asked a question that Gibbs could answer.

"Can I come back to work, Boss?"

"Yeah."

The child was gone for the moment. "I know it can't be much...not yet. I just need something...something else...something besides...Kara." Then, Tim began to sob again. "...so I can pretend it doesn't hurt."

"Don't pretend, Tim."

"I have to. There's no other way right now." The tears came faster. "I can't breathe if I remember how much it hurts. I wish I could run out of tears...but I can't. There are always more. There's always more pain. It always hurts."

x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x

So Tim came back to NCIS. He didn't go out in the field...and he didn't even do much work in the building. Jenny had made one effort to point out that NCIS was not a psychiatrist's office, but Gibbs prevailed. Tim kept coming. He was there early every morning. He was always there...in body, at least. He rarely spoke to anyone beyond saying _hello_ or _good morning_. He worked through old files that no one wanted to bother with...but he spent a lot more time crying. As much as they cared for him, Tony and Ziva found themselves feeling relieved whenever Tim was _not_ in the bullpen. Tim's quiet grief was oppressive. They didn't _want_ him to be gone...what they wanted was for Tim, the _real_ Tim to be back.

Contrary to what they believed, Tim wasn't completely oblivious. He knew what he was doing was wrong, that it was hard on everyone else. He knew it, but he felt powerless to fight against the pain that just _refused_ to go away. Every morning when he woke up, he had to remember anew that Kara was dead, that instead of having fifty years, they hadn't even had fifty hours. He didn't know how to let the feeling go. He couldn't get revenge. He couldn't even get justice. The man was dead. He couldn't get the comfort of an explanation. So far as anyone could tell it had been a random act of violence. All he had was the pain.

...then, one day, he just stopped coming. He wasn't at his desk when Gibbs got there. He didn't show up at all. As worried as Gibbs had been in the moment, a case had come up suddenly, requiring his attention. He contented himself with making a call and leaving a message.

At the end of the day, Gibbs realized that no one knew where Tim was. He began to really worry. Everyone began to search for Tim. They didn't know where to look...not for two days.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Tim stood in front of the abandoned building. The hotel hadn't been able to bounce back from the infamy of what had happened there. It had closed three months before. Tim walked to the doors. They were locked. He didn't care. He broke in. Then, he took out the news article he had found. It traced the path of the killer from the front door, up the stairs, to the eighth floor. Tim followed. He walked slowly, taking his time, stepping in the tracks of a killer. Step by painful step, from the beginning to the moment when Tim's life had ended.

Up, up the stairs. Floor after floor to the entrance to the eighth floor. He kicked open each door. He aimed as if with an automatic. He fired and walked on. Then, he reached his room. He kicked open the door and it was like he had stepped back in time. Kara was still looking toward the bathroom. She was smiling, laughing. At the sound of the door bursting open, she turned toward the door, her smile fading. Tim couldn't hear because of the water...but the water couldn't cover up the sound of the man firing his gun. Kara's face was frightened. She screamed. She tried to get away, but there was nowhere to go. She died almost instantly. One of the bullets pierced her heart. Her body was forced backward from the momentum of the bullets. She fell onto the bed...dead. Tim ran out two seconds later but the gunman had already moved on.

Tim walked into the room. It didn't matter where the man had gone after this moment. Everything had stopped. The pieces of his shattered life were there. He walked into the bathroom. He looked from the mirror to the bedroom and back again. He looked around the bathroom. There was nothing he could have had with him that would have stopped the man. He knew that. This wasn't about blame. It was about pain. He walked back out into the room. The bed was still there. The sheets were gone, but the box spring and the mattress were still there. He sat down on Kara's side. He began to cry...again. He lay down in a fetal position and cried again.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x

"McGee?"

"Tim, wake up."

"Is he dead?"

"No. He's just asleep." _Please, let him just be asleep._

Tim stirred. He hadn't moved from the bed for two days. He opened his eyes and wished he hadn't. He wished that he could stay in the dream that Kara was alive...but he knew that he couldn't. He sat up and saw the people who cared about him all arranged around the bed. He stared at them. They stared back without speaking.

He had hurt them. He had fallen and not tried to get up again. He had ignored their attempts to help. He had done so much to them...and they were still there, still concerned, still frightened for him. Kara would have given him such a stink eye for how he'd been acting. He could hear her voice, lecturing him. He would never hear her again in the flesh.

He looked at them again. "I'm so sorry," he said and his face crumpled and he was crying again. They were all there around him in an instant, holding him tightly, crying with him as he had never allowed them to before. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry," he said over and over.

"It's okay. It'll be okay," they said. He couldn't distinguish the voices. He just knew they were there.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Tim began to claw his way out of his grief. Moment by heart-wrenching moment, he clawed his way out. He slipped...often...sometimes lower than he'd been at the beginning, but still he fought his way out. Sometimes...often...someone gave him a hand and pulled him higher. There was one thing he still hadn't done...

x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x

The one-year anniversary of Kara's death was approaching. Tim felt the anguish building but he tried to focus on his work. It was the one thing that had kept him sane, this connection to life, to being alive. His job and his friends there. He was occasionally going out into the field, but there was still something missing from him...and that made it risky to take him out...worse, he didn't seem to care.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x

"Tim, come on."

"Where are we going, Boss?"

"You'll see."

Tim followed.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x

"No, Boss. I can't. No!" Tim realized fairly quickly where they were going.

"Yes, you can, Tim. You need to."

"No, Boss. Please."

"Yes, Tim."

Tim sat back and felt the agony increase until he wasn't sure he could keep breathing. It was hard enough on a normal day...

x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x

It was windy that day. Sunny, but windy, the trees rustling as their branches whipped around. Gibbs nearly dragged Tim through the cemetery to the headstone marking Kara's final resting place. Tim stood stiffly right there, staring at the granite slab. He didn't even notice when Gibbs walked away, to give him time alone. Tim had not once come to the cemetery. Not once in the year that Kara had been dead.

Finally, he walked closer and put his hand on the cold granite. Then, he knelt beside the grave and felt the tears that were always too close fall from his eyes again.

"Oh, Kara..." he whispered. "I love you so much."

The wind whispered in his ear, but nothing was said.

"How can I go on without you?" he asked. "I need you. I need you, Kara."

He put his hand on her name. It was just a rock, nothing more.

"I love you, Kara. I wanted to be able to tell you that every day for the rest of my life...but now you're gone...and it's killing me, Kara."

A sweet smell reached his nose: Lilacs. Tim looked upwind and saw a group standing around a grave. They all had bunches of lilacs.

"How can I go on?"

Then, he remembered something. A memory from their first date...as an actual couple.

" _Where do we go from here, Kara?"_

" _Why are you asking?"_

" _I just...I need something...something to be certain."_

_Kara smiled. "We go one step at a time, and hopefully, we'll always be going in the same direction. That's as certain as we can be, Tim."_

" _What if we don't?"_

" _Then, that's life."_

Tim smiled. "You always were the strong one, Kara," he said. "What if our roles had been reversed? What if I had died? Would you have gone on?"

Tim jumped as he felt a hand on his shoulder. He looked up.

"Tim, most people go on, eventually."

"Even you?" Tim asked.

"Even me."

"How did you, Boss? How did you manage it? How did you not...go crazy like I did? Why did I?"

"Why did _you_? I have no idea, but it wasn't weakness, if that's what you're wondering." Gibbs held out a hand to help him up and Tim took it. They walked a few steps in silence and then Gibbs sat down on a bench. "We all deal with grief in our own ways, Tim. I nearly ate a bullet."

"I might as well have," Tim said, sitting down beside him. He leaned forward. "I still can't remember a lot of the time. I _know_ it passed, but I don't remember. I remember there was an old man...with brown eyes. He called you. I remember...hearing words, but they didn't mean anything." He clasped his hands together tightly and brought them to his forehead. "I can't seem to move on, Boss. I feel...I feel like every moment..."

"...like the pain is going to kill you...and the only thing worse than that is the possibility that it won't."

Tim nodded.

Gibbs put a comforting hand on Tim's shoulder. "It starts that way. It _stays_ that way for awhile. You don't think you can get past it, but you just have to trust that the pain will ebb...because it _does_ after a while."

"One step at a time."

"Exactly. You may or may not fall in love again." Tim tensed under his hand. "Don't say yes or no to it. If you do, you won't be dishonoring Kara. If you don't, you won't be a disappointment. Just remember that life has to go on. Don't close yourself off because that's worse than dying."

"What we had...it was perfect," Tim whispered. "How can I...get more than that?"

"Better than perfection?" Gibbs' voice was wistful. "You probably can't. Don't try to. It won't work. I know that better than most. Just focus on living for now, Tim. That will be enough. Then, one day, you'll wake up and you'll realize that it doesn't hurt to breathe anymore, that the sun is still shining, that there are beautiful things...and beautiful _people_ in the world...and you can move on."

They sat in the cemetery until the sun went down. Then, Gibbs drove Tim back to NCIS to get his car and they left.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x

It was two years after that, three years after Kara died...

"Oh, crap. I can't believe I just did that," Olivia said, trying to mop up the coffee she'd just spilled all over the man in front her. "I am _so_ sorry. I'm such a klutz."

The man smiled, but she noticed something sad in his eyes. Still, the smile seemed friendly, and his words certainly were...as was his voice...it was almost...sexy. "No problem. I'm not too coordinated myself some days. Can I buy you a refill?"

"You want to buy _me_ coffee to replace what _I_ spilled on _you_?" Olivia raised an eyebrow in disbelief.

"Believe it. I can afford it, and it looks as though you still need your coffee. I finished mine already."

Olivia looked at him with an expression that switched back and forth between attraction and distrust.

He seemed to understand. "Don't worry. No strings attached. I buy you coffee and we never speak again...if that's what you want."

Olivia blushed. "Okay."

She let him buy her coffee and then, true to his word, he began to leave the shop. He was out on the street when she decided that she would be stupid to let him go. She ran.

"Hey! Wait!"

He turned and smiled. "Yes?"

"I'm Olivia." She stuck out her hand.

"My name is Tim." He shook her hand firmly.

"You want to...talk?"

Tim smiled. "I'd love to."

**FINIS!**


End file.
